~2 minute readAsk Duffy
Dear Duffy:
Some of my friends in the playground told me that opening a disk
drive while it's running can cause warts. Is this true?
–Worried About Warts
Dear Wart:
To answer your question, I went straight to an expert: Professor
Humbick Q. Fiddleberry, Department Head of Harvard University's
School of Dermatology and Computer Science. He claims there's
absolutely no chance of getting warts from opening a disk drive – unless,
of course, there's a frog inside it.
Dear Duffy:
There's a girl in my Science class who I really have a crush on. I invited
her to my house to play Zork II on my TI-99. We had a really good
time, but then her parents found out about it. They've seen "Wargames"
and think that all computer hackers are dangerous criminals. What
should we do?
–Not A Dangerous Criminal
Dear Not:
This is a common syndrome among parents. Explain to them, in
an intelligent and mature way, that you are not going to blow up the
world, and that Zork II is a harmless and educational pastime. If this doesn't
work, get a lucrative job in the computer industry, start your own
high-tech company, attract millions in venture capital, buy a huge estate
in California, take lots of world cruises, get elected to an important
government post, discover a cure for cancer, and write several best-selling
novels. After that, her parents probably won't mind if she visits you to
play Zork III.
Dear Duffy:
I recently discovered that my daughter has been visiting the home
of a boy in her Science class to play computer games. My husband and I
are terrified that they will accidentally break into some secret defense
network and start World War III. We have told her to stop going there. Are
we being overly protective?
–Nervous Mom
Dear Nerv:
You're doing exactly the right thing. The kid is probably some kind
of dangerous Commie prevert. You should give his name to the FBI so
they can stop him before it's too late. Also, if your home is near any major
strategic nuclear targets, I'd start thinking about moving.
Dear Duffy:
I'm very worried about my parents. Lately, they spend all their time
playing those mindless arcade games on our home computer. I've tried
turning them on to my favorite Infocom games, like Planetfall and
Enchanter, but they say they find them too difficult, and just keep
playing Eggplant Kong. My dad used to be a news hound, and my
mother loved the Times' crossword puzzle, but neither of them has
picked up a newspaper for months! I'm worried about their brains
turning to mush.
–Frantic Son
Dear Fran:
If your parents found other Infocom games too hard, maybe you
should try giving them Seastalker. It's easier than the games you
mentioned. Better hurry, though, before your parents start smoking,
hanging around the local pool hall, and staying out late.
Dear Duffy:
Are you any relation to the Sgt. Duffy in Deadline and The Witness?
–Curious in Canada
Dear Can:
I'm not telling.
This article appeared in
New Zork Times, The
Jul-Sep 1984
These historical, out-of-print articles and literary works have been GNUSTOed onto InvisiClues.org for academic and research purposes.
